Crazy Voices?

Does anyone else ever suffer from crazy voices in your head?  Not like a serial killer wanting to kill, Kill, KILL, but those voices that sneak into your head when the house is quiet, you've gotten into bed and are ready for sleep.  Doubts and insecurities rush in spinning around madly, gleefully dancing, bouncing around in your brain like ping pong balls.  Sleep is no longer possible.  Rational thought joins the fray trying with all their might to fight off the negatives with their strength, shooting back reality at the mad dancers.  You toss and turn, searching for peace, praying for your brain to quiet, wishing for a surcease, grasping for the sleep that is ever out of reach.  The war raging in your brain seems to have no end, on and on rational thought battles against the demons of doubt and insecurity, trying to restore the equilibrium the brain yearns to find, needs, in order to sleep.  Exhaustion marches onto the field. more tired and crankier than usual, to put it's foot down, ending the war.  Each are commanded back to their own corners, doubt and insecurity assuring rational thought that they will be back to battle another night, but for now, peace reigns, the brain relaxes and sleep finally comes.

Where Did The Time Go??

With an "I'm outta here!" and the slam of the door, it begins.  The little bird, testing her wings, dives to parts unknown, pinwheeling wings trying in vain to stop the inevitable crash onto the hard cold ground.  Mother bird cries out to her young that it's too soon, she's too young, pleading to her to wait, just wait a while longer until her wings, her still fragile wings can support her.  Her daughter, incapable of listening, plummets to the ground, feathers flying furiously as she descends and descends and descends until finally, all movement stops.  Lying in the dirt, her mother out of reach far above her, she creeps away certain that her way is best.  Her mother cries.

Or...there's no furious slam of any door.  There are gentle and loving cracks in the tie that has always and forever held them together.  Heartache and loss intermingle with pride and love.  Mother bird knowing that small steps of separation are necessary for her little bird to successfully fly, but still feeling the loss, the pain, every tiny crack  in the tie like a knife slicing into her heart.  She sighs and turns away to wipe the tears from her face.  Her baby bird begins to test her wings, growing stronger and more confident with each flap.  Her mother smiles.

Congratulations, Bethany!!

Once you become a mother, there are milestones in your child's life that are celebrated.....their first word, learning to walk, learning (finally) to use the potty (many high fives!), first day of kindergarten, high school, getting their driver's license and...high school graduation.  My youngest daughter graduated from high school last night.  Wow.  Yes, of course, I am very proud of her.  She climbed over many obstacles to get to this point.  It wasn't easy for her or me and although, at times, there were doubts, she made it!!  She did it!!  My baby girl stumbled through mine fields, gasped for her very breath after bursting out of the ocean, drowning, then not,  tripped through fire and came out alive on the other side. She's stronger now and I'm thankful and blessed that she's still here.  It's been quite a ride from her first breath to her graduation from high school.  Congratulations, Bethany!!  You've made me one very proud mom!!  I am so very thankful that I was there through the times that took my breath away and those that ripped the very heart out of me.  I wouldn't trade one single second of our time together.  Those many seconds added up to create the lovely young lady you've become and maybe, just maybe contributed to the many grey hairs on my head!!  Your whole life is ahead of you now.  Enjoy it, love it, embrace it, live it to it's fullest, be grateful for the small things that make you smile, forget the small things that irk you and that just won't matter in 10 years, believe in yourself and your ability to do anything you set your mind to as I've seen you overcome terrible things and come through the other side intact and ever stronger.  Remember.....I will always be your greatest fan, will always be on the sidelines rooting you on,  loving you with my whole heart, forever and for always, believing, always and forever believing that you can do anything, anything you want to do.  I Love You, Bethany and I could not be any prouder of you!!! 

Have Hope...

I wrote the following a few years ago when I was in a dark place.  It was amazing to reread these pieces and realize that I no longer have the pain and angst within me that I had when these were written.  For those of you wandering through your own dark places, don't give up and remember.....it does get better.

 baring her soul, opening it to expose all her failings, all her fears, allowing him in, the first ever to enter the forest of her soul...the tangled vines, the twisted malformed trees, the perpetual darkness.  his light, shining in, exposing every crack and crevice, nothing hidden from his view...shrinking back in fear...the light is foreign to this place, too bright, too sudden...forcing him back, afraid for him to see who she truly is, afraid she won't be accepted, wanted...with her foibles, faults and failures.but still he waits....peering in from just outside..never forcing himself in, waiting for another invitation, for her to feel safe, to trust, to believe that he means no harm with his bright light.  he only wants to brighten the dark corners, to clear out the refuse built up over many, many years, to cleanse her, to help her be who she can be. 

but she....she also waits...she watches, she gauges, she studies and mulls it over.  can the light be trusted? it's so very bright.....but insistent, never relenting, never retracting.  she peeks out from her hiding place in the mess of her soul...she yearns for the brightness, she steps forward and then suddenly darts back....wanting, but tentative, still fearful, but.....the fear is subsiding as the light slowly moves back and forth, back and forth, bathing her in it's glow.  she waits in her darkness.....for what, she doesn't know....but she wonders and wants and wishes......does she dare take the hand that is offered?

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she wanders alone in the desert landscape of her mind.....the winds ferocious, the sand whipping every direction, cutting into her, beating her down, head and body bowed down in an effort to protect herself,  wrapping her wounds, pain and past regrets tighter around her, but she finds no relief and the winds and sand persist in tormenting her.  she looks for direction, seeks out shelter, but none is to be found.  she swirls around and around mimicking the wind, fighting the sand, collapsing to the ground in exhaustion and defeat.  

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she wanders alone in a hostile, cold and dark landscape.  nothing but emptiness surrounds her, envelops her.  it embraces her as a lover would, but the embrace is devoid of warmth, love and tenderness.  instead, the passion felt is of her soul, heart and mind being sucked dry, stolen by the thief who ever lurks nearby.  in return, this thief, fills her with loneliness, pain, doubt and anger.  gone is the purity of her soul, gone is the love in her heart, gone is the goodness she once possessed in such abundance.  all gone. 

as what was once her, falls to the ground in defeat and unrelenting pain, unable to even move her eyes, a light shines upon her.  this warm glow bathes her in warmth and begins to ever so slowly thaw the frigid places within.  the thief, angered and frustrated by this light that is casting out his work. tries to fight it's glow and warmth, but is forced back and back some more until she is unreachable to him.


she feels small glimmers of hope, peace and love return to her as the light unceasingly caresses, soothes and wraps her more tightly within it's embrace.  the warmth and caring are restored to her heart, mind and soul.  she rises from the cold barren ground and.....smiles.

May We Come In?

Squirrels chattered, perched on the highest limbs, leaves drifted down slowly in the soft, warm breeze, sunlight danced in the small puddles left behind by the recent storm as others stood in the forest just off the path.  Within sight of the two, but standing outside the maelstrom that consumed them, their arms outstretched to enfold, their faces contorted with concern, love, sorrow, they waited, desperately wanting to soothe, but unseen, unheard, merely part of the background.  As crows roused from their boughs over head, they squawk and cry at each other as the mammoth wall built between them and the two is too high, too strong, too impenetrable, for even the loudest shouts to be heard, whispers floating away with the breeze.  They wait for even the tiniest crack in the armament, they search in vain for the long lost key to the padlock that will release the chains, they bloody their knuckles pounding against the tall black door.  The very essence of them demands to be heard, then begs (no pleads) to console, they cry, sobbing uncontrollably until there is no sound left in them, until they fall, exhausted, numbly to the ground.  The wall, as impenetrable as ever, the tall black door firmly locked with chains and a padlock, they must wait, hoping the two will open the door and ask them in. 

The Sun Is Waiting....

The two...battered and beaten, lie within the dark forest, overwhelmed with raging, swirling thoughts.  What might have been, what will be missed, each blaming the other, each belting the other with their rage, each blasting the other with their hatred of the other and of the situation they have blundered into, not blindly, but without forethought either.  They can't stay in this place, can't simply wish it away, can't, can't, can't, no amount of begging, pleading, wishing or praying will undo what the storm has wrought.  So very weak, the wind pushes and buffets them and they stumble slowly forward, crawling, neither able to gather the strength to rise up, neither able to raise their head to see the small glint of sunshine ahead of them, beckoning them, it's sunshiny smile waiting, still waiting, to embrace them in it's warmth and love.  But the glint is unseen by the two, darkness still owns them, is still deeply inside them, around them, in every pore, every breath.  The sun ever patient waits, knowing it and only it can battle back the darkness.  

Fairy Tales Do Come True!!

Lucky little girls are raised believing they are princesses, that they will be loved by a handsome prince (who will come for them on a prancing white stallion) and that they will live happily ever after.  Yesterday the world watched as this fairy tale came true for Kate Middleton.  As a former member of the princess to be club, I was glued to the TV, totally engrossed in the pomp and pageantry, the beautiful bride, the handsome prince, the absolute glory of it all.  Tears of joy ran down my face as one lucky little girl saw the promises of childhood come true.

For the majority of us, we've had to work hard for the considerably downsized palace of our dreams, we've searched and hopefully found a prince who loves us and the white stallion, well, many former members of the princess to be club refused to let go of that dream and enjoy the companionship of horses throughout their lives. We're happy with the way our lives turned out, but for one shining moment in time, the memories of fairy tales long in the past rose up in us and as one, we stood up and cheered as our dreams came true for Kate.

What Is The Measurement of Success?

In the internet age, we can find just about anything or anyone we choose to search for.  The limits are about endless.  On CBS' Sunday Morning show today, they did a piece on how you don't even have to go to church anymore, apparently...there's an app for that now.  Who knew?

Have you ever searched for someone you knew in childhood and came away amazed with how their life turned out?  I searched this morning for someone I went to 8th grade with in Ft. Leavenworth, KS.  We were both army brats, my father was attending Officer Training School there in 72-73.  Both our fathers were attorneys in the Judge Advocate General's Office of the Army.  I remember her as a sweet and outgoing girl who was always smiling and full of life.  As those were the days prior to the internet and email, we never saw or spoke again after that year we spent abutting up against the fences of the Ft Leavenworth Federal Prison.

Her name popped into my head this morning and I decided to see what if anything was out there about her.  I was pleasantly surprised to see how successful she became.  While I am happy for her, it made me look at my life.  While my life can never compare to her successes, did I have any success at all?  Well....I've worked for the same company for 24 years.  I've been a hard worker and have been able to support my family....ok....I guess that's a success.  I had two beautiful daughters.  While I was certainly not the perfect mother, they have both been loved since the minute they were born. Being able to love your children is a success as it seems, based upon news reports, that some seem to struggle with loving and putting their children first.   I hope my girls have learned from me that there is nothing more precious or important in life than loving your children.  If they learned that, perhaps I was successful as a mother.  I've loved my animals well too.  My four little doggies will be happy to tell you that, well...if they could speak!

No...I don't think my life can in anyway compare with how my 8th grade friend's turned out, but I'm happy with my life and maybe that in itself is the biggest success anyone can claim?

Love Grows Here!!

We have a circular driveway.  In the middle is a grassy area that's flanked by huge lilac bushes at each end.  It's always just been another spot to mow, but I've always wanted to put "something" in the middle of that grass.  I imagined a fountain or maybe a pond with water plants and fish.  I didn't know how to build either though and the thought of building one intimidated me.  I knew a water line would be required, electric too for the lights I envisioned surrounding the water.  So, I did nothing except mow the area.  In 2010, my father who lives in Virginia Beach, VA was deemed incapable of living alone any longer and was put into an assisted living facility. A social service agency was court appointed as his guardian.  To support his future expenses, they decided that his house needed to be sold.  We were given one chance to get what we wanted from his property before it was put up for sale.  Bobby and went down in February to meet the realtor to gain access to the house.  We got there a little early and when the realtor arrived, he found us happily digging in my dad's yard.  We loaded up river rock, bird baths and planters and brought them all home to WV.  I now had the beginnings of a flower garden in the middle of the driveway!!  Creating the garden was a family effort.  Bobby helped with leveling the area, determining the proper spacing for the rocks, lugging home 800lbs of dirt and keeping the designer (me) in coffee and water.  Thank you Bobby for being there and for all your help! Bethany and I went to Lowes to pick out flowers and found a couple of cute garden flags too.  Thank you Bethany for your patience as I looked and looked for the "perfect" blooms!!  Bethany and I planted all the flowers and tucked them in under a layer of mulch.  My dad loved to garden and I think he would be so happy that his garden didn't get leveled in Virginia Beach, but instead created so much beauty here in WV.

The finished garden!!

Love Grows Here!

 I love this old frog planter.  He's guarding the bird bath so the birds feel safe!

This heron is watching from the lilac bush in case fish ever do show up!

These flowers don't even look real!!

Life is Good!!

It was beat up, neglected, held together with bungee cords, clomping around on one good tire.  Sometimes, it would cough to life for a brief time, but you couldn't dare turn it off as it was extremely doubtful it would start again.  We had a love/hate relationship.  The spring rains would come, the grass would grow high and my thoughts would turn to mowing.  I would stress over whether the dern tractor would start and if it did, would it keep running long enough to get anything done?  It wasn't the tractor's fault, it was just a machine, a machine that was neglected to the point it just gradually fell apart, but I felt that it constantly let me down.  Finally, after years of dreading the advent of "grass season", I finally broke down and bought a new lawn tractor.  Ohhhh....the bliss of it.  It starts, it stops and it actually starts again!  Oh myyy!!  And....it mows beautifully.  No missed spots, no uneven patches, no making hay in the front yard!  I surveyed the newly mown front yard and...danced....yes I danced as it was so smooth and so beautiful and yes, stress free.  Ahhhh...the relief!!

I planted some flower seeds in a barrel just off our front porch this week.  I wandered away for a moment to admire how our new flower garden is doing (it's beautiful!).  When I started back towards the porch....there was Bethany's cat Pookie Bear...in the barrel.....Oh Pookie....no, No, NOOOOO!!!  Not on my new flower seeds!!!!  We have about 10 acres here, why oh why did you choose There to do your business???  I know, I know....the fresh, soft dirt was irresistible, but Really!!!

It's Finally Friday!!  The week has been wished away and the weekend is about here.  Those of you out there who don't know what you want to be when you grow up, please try to find a job you love and enjoy going to each and every day.  The majority of our time is spent at work and as such, it should be somewhere you actually want to be.  Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.  ~Confucius  Have a wonderful weekend.  Plant some flowers, hug your loved ones, do something enjoyable because Monday will be here way too soon!

Quit Looking At Me....

It starts with just the slightest glance out of the corner of an eye, first one, then the other, then just as quickly, their eyes dart away, looking at anything but each other.  They stumble along their new path, together, but not, very separate even though the path is narrow and their arms about touch. Trees along each side of the path crowd and push them together, but they aren't yet ready, the wall between them, unseen, is too thick.  The wind has nothing to say now and has gone off to play elsewhere.  The forest is too dense to glimpse any flowers, any beauty at all.  Infinite darkness surrounds them, they are blind, but must continue lurching forward, as going back to the beautiful meadow, is not an option.  One stumbles, the other, involuntarily, reaches out, but is burned and jumps back.  In the midst of the inky blackness, sparks fly as the two rage.  On and on they tear at each other, banging heads against trees, the ground, each other.  Exhausted, their mighty hearts, slashed into bits, lie upon the memory of what could of been..  Unable to come together to accept their new path and move forward, they turn their backs to each other and mourn alone. 

I'm trying.....

One of the hardest things to deal with is when one you love is hurting.  You want to help, you want to soothe, you want to wave that magic wand and make everything ok.  Every cell in your body yearns to take the pain away and make it all better.  You offer words of wisdom hoping that your chosen string of words will do the trick.  You offer support so the one hurting will know they aren't alone in their troubles, that you'll be there for them, no matter what.  You try to be funny hoping to raise just one little smile.  You try to be positive hoping they will see that it's not all gloom & doom.  You try until you can't think of anything else to try and then you try again.  Ultimately, though, you realize that along the way, the magic wand has been broken, the crystal ball is cracked and the hugs and kisses that once soothed every bump and bruise, mended broken hearts and made the boogie monster run away screaming in terror, aren't enough anymore.  You take a deep breath, stiffen your spine and........

You Try Again!!!

An Abrupt Change

My daughter posted the following quote: 

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

When you've had your focus on certain goals and you've worked as hard as you can to accomplish them,  pain & turmoil can accompany an abrupt and sudden change in direction.  Initially, one tries to hold onto the old with all their might, not even risking a quick glance at the new.  At first, the new is just too new, way too different to even consider.  Feet are firmly and definitively planted in support of the old.  Unable to bend and consider the new, crying for what has been lost is normal and natural.  Afterall, letting go of the old feels like the death of all that work, all those plans, all that was supposed to be.  Grief now takes star billing.  Denial steps between the curtains to make it's debut accompanied by loud vehement shouts of No and Not Me.  Anger isn't far behind with it's friends, Temper and Tantrum.  Bargaining sneaks on stage with it's attempts to save what was, throwing out ideas like flower petals drifting upon the wind.  Depression lies alone at the very corner of the stage, unable to even raise it's head.  Acceptance, well, Acceptance patiently waits for it's cue offstage, not knowing when it will be able to grab the spotlight.  This particular play has no set run time, these characters set their own pace. The audience settles in to wait, to give each of them their due. Acceptance must wait patiently for those before it to take their bows before it is able to take center stage.

The Wind Is Silent Now

Thunder crashed and lightening flashed.  The blooms tucked their delicate heads, leaving their tender necks exposed.  The wind, louder and louder, it's terrible power screeching out warnings, now adds leaves, twigs and dust to the cast, beating the two, demanding to be heard.  The wind begins to laugh, the clouds skitter and fly across the sky in their gaiety, the lightening and thunder boom out their mirth displaying their true nature.  The precious petals blacken, wither and fall.  The two, startled, awaken, are suddenly and without warning, shaken violently from their bliss.  The meadow, once so beautiful to the eye, so glorious to the heart, reverts to what it ever was.  Unseen, hidden beneath the beauty, it's true face is revealed to the two.  As before in time, as ever has been and ever will be, the exhilarating beauty is stripped away, once again only a facade, hiding the truth of this place.  The two, confused and conflicted, spin away from each other, grasping for understanding, gasping in shock, reeling with disbelief.  How can this be, they ask each other? Why us?  They demand an answer from the wind, but the wind, having tried so desperately to convey it's warnings, is silent now refusing to answer.  She screams to the sky.....But I was marching along my path, purposely and with conviction, (she adds), forgetting her decision to rest in the beautiful meadow for only the briefest of moments, forgetting that detour that lured her away from her march.  Forgetting.....the beauty they experienced, the joy they created, now focused solely on regret and shame.  Heads down, shoulders slumped, sniffling, they shuffle slowly down the new path before them. 

It's Getting Windy Out There....

I remember her at age 5....bubbly, blonde, always babbling.  She adored her mother and I treasured her.

I remember her in elementary school....bright, curious, always wanting to learn more.  She looked to me for answers and I tried to keep up with her ever expanding brain.

I remember her excitedly coming home from the first day of school and every day thereafter with stories to tell about her day.  From the very  minute she got there to the bus ride home she absorbed it all like the little sponge she was, always eager to share each of those moments with me.  She delighted me, enchanted me, filled me with joy that God had blessed me with her very existence. 

I remember her in my heart...the love, the bond we always shared to the exclusion of anyone else, my pride in her accomplishments, looking towards the future and knowing that it was wide open to anything she reached for, anything she desired, anything at all.  

Sometimes, while skipping down that yellow brick road, a choice must be made.   Whether it's a conscious decision or not, a choice is made to take the scenic route instead of the path that's been thought and dreamed about for years.  Sometimes.....that's just what happens in life.  The bubbly little girl takes a few wrong turns, maybe gets lost in the brambles, weeds and overgrown forest and eventually, thankfully, is found again.  As she once again purposefully marches down the chosen path towards her goals, dreams and her bright, bright future, out of the corner of her eye, she glimpses a flower filled meadow and decides to take just a minute, only the briefest of moments to lie down to rest amidst the blooms.  As the sun shines brightly. gentle breezes soothing her soul, the flowers' glorious scents intermingle bringing joy that begs to be shared with another.  As they romp and play within their private playground, they fail to see the first little black rain cloud heading their way, ignore the quickening of the wind, it's voice engulfing them, swirling amongst them....trying and ever trying to warn them of the coming storm.