These days, there seems to always be a tear just waiting to fall.
These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.
Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live. Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.
Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.
Today, I suffer from the lack of sleep.
Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses. Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.
Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
You Sat
You sat.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
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