Ping, ding, thwatt, splatt, knock, smack, attacked, duck, run, find cover. Found. Kick, pound, smack again and again, pull, scratch, thrown over there and there and there too. Arrows zip here, out there. Stung.
Drip, drip, drip, eyes leak. warning, warning....A flood's a comin....
Pulled hither, pushed thither. Demanding Energy. Demanding Time. Expecting Understanding. Expecting Every Single Drop. Expecting It All and Then Some More Too. Give it, give it, give it....gimmeeeeeeee............
Dam bursts. Rushing, roaring, surging, coursing over banks, trees, branches, rocks deeply hidden from view all together now..........SHOT.
Silence.
Purged.
Regret.
Guilt stricken.
Pain.
Giving, giving, giving.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
Comments Always Welcome!
Anonymous posted a question recently asking if I minded comments on my posts. I love comments, so please, please if anyone wishes to comment, do so to your heart's content.
Be kind though, ok? I can be fragile!!
Be kind though, ok? I can be fragile!!
I Am Woman!! Lol
Was married in June of 1990, separated since February 14, 2008 and today....today May 10, 2013, I am an official bonafide divorcee. Yippeekiyyayaye!! It's definitely been a long time coming. While I have mixed emotions, even after all this time, I am relieved it's over, it's done and...I'm fine, I am better than fine, I made it through a terrible time and am better for it, stronger than I thought I could ever be. Only I walked in my particular shoes, yes, they are plum worn out, but not me...could of kept on going barefoot if I had to. My feet though rough and scaly, never faltered, never failed my children or myself.
Stiff and achy, I reach behind me and give myself a big ole pat on the back.
I did it. I made it. I'm better for it. With a giggle and a smile, I skip, leaving the past behind, eyes fully fixed on my future.
Seems like maybe it's time for that pedicure now. Whatcha think??
Stiff and achy, I reach behind me and give myself a big ole pat on the back.
I did it. I made it. I'm better for it. With a giggle and a smile, I skip, leaving the past behind, eyes fully fixed on my future.
Seems like maybe it's time for that pedicure now. Whatcha think??
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Please Pull Me Out
These days, there seems to always be a tear just waiting to fall.
These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.
Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live. Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.
Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.
Today, I suffer from the lack of sleep.
Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses. Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.
Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....
These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.
Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live. Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.
Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.
Today, I suffer from the lack of sleep.
Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses. Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.
Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
You Sat
You sat.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I did my best...
I have finally accepted the truth.....It was inevitable as I'm told in many ways each and everyday. It was only a matter of time before I stopped fighting this truth.....I have failed as a mother. I have raised a child who cannot, will not, won't, stomp your feet and scream NO to the heavens ever appreciate all I've done for her. Oh...maybe when she's calm, well rested and fed, I will get some small bone thrown my way telling me that my life was worthwhile. But when she's uptight, nervous and the heavens don't align themselves perfectly for her, heaven forbid, the daggers casually thrown in my direction seemingly without a thought or care of the devastation they will cause....collapsing in a puddle, flailing, drowning in buckets of tears, regret, sorrow, breathing but barely, nose clogged, throat aching, pain from the very top of my head down through my soul to the very tip of my pinkie toe.
As mothers everywhere have said....I did my best.
As mothers everywhere have said....I did my best.
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