Full Force Ahead

In another time, not so very long ago, I had a mini horse farm, Mountain Spring Miniatures. Life, as it tends to do, sent an earthquake into my idyllic existence, shaking everything up, leaving nothing as it once was. The barn I was once so proud of, fell into disuse, needing paint and love, among many other things. The fields, once immaculately manicured by voracious mini appetites, grew tall with weeds and brambles. Fences....oh...fences that once proudly served as butt scratchers for those it kept safe, fell, rusted and broke.

Several years passed. Each spring as the peeps began their song down at the pond, the birds began to schweet, schweet and the sun warmed chilly winter souls, my heart yearned for mare stare and brand new lives to nurture and love. Sadly, I would shove such yearnings way down deep, turning my gaze away from the once beloved barn, ignoring the state of the fences, the growing weeds, continuing on with my less than idyllic life. My soul grew rusty along with the fences, was tangled and choked with weeds. My eyes grew dimmer without foals to charm them. My head was downcast not seeing the sun, refusing to hear the birds and peeps.

Several years passed and....the ghosts of horses who once blessed my life with their mere prescence, Raven, Diva, Freedom....oh Freedom, such a scamp you were, Spirit...such a beautiful soul and the many others, raised their heads as one and their beautiful eyes met mine. I couldn't ignore them. How could anyone? The yearnings, buried so deep for so long, shook me again with their exit from their tomb. They would not be denied, horses had to come back into my life. My happiness was dependent upon them. I needed them and I knew somewhere out there, there were those who needed me.

Crazy Voices?

Does anyone else ever suffer from crazy voices in your head?  Not like a serial killer wanting to kill, Kill, KILL, but those voices that sneak into your head when the house is quiet, you've gotten into bed and are ready for sleep.  Doubts and insecurities rush in spinning around madly, gleefully dancing, bouncing around in your brain like ping pong balls.  Sleep is no longer possible.  Rational thought joins the fray trying with all their might to fight off the negatives with their strength, shooting back reality at the mad dancers.  You toss and turn, searching for peace, praying for your brain to quiet, wishing for a surcease, grasping for the sleep that is ever out of reach.  The war raging in your brain seems to have no end, on and on rational thought battles against the demons of doubt and insecurity, trying to restore the equilibrium the brain yearns to find, needs, in order to sleep.  Exhaustion marches onto the field. more tired and crankier than usual, to put it's foot down, ending the war.  Each are commanded back to their own corners, doubt and insecurity assuring rational thought that they will be back to battle another night, but for now, peace reigns, the brain relaxes and sleep finally comes.

Where Did The Time Go??

With an "I'm outta here!" and the slam of the door, it begins.  The little bird, testing her wings, dives to parts unknown, pinwheeling wings trying in vain to stop the inevitable crash onto the hard cold ground.  Mother bird cries out to her young that it's too soon, she's too young, pleading to her to wait, just wait a while longer until her wings, her still fragile wings can support her.  Her daughter, incapable of listening, plummets to the ground, feathers flying furiously as she descends and descends and descends until finally, all movement stops.  Lying in the dirt, her mother out of reach far above her, she creeps away certain that her way is best.  Her mother cries.

Or...there's no furious slam of any door.  There are gentle and loving cracks in the tie that has always and forever held them together.  Heartache and loss intermingle with pride and love.  Mother bird knowing that small steps of separation are necessary for her little bird to successfully fly, but still feeling the loss, the pain, every tiny crack  in the tie like a knife slicing into her heart.  She sighs and turns away to wipe the tears from her face.  Her baby bird begins to test her wings, growing stronger and more confident with each flap.  Her mother smiles.

Congratulations, Bethany!!

Once you become a mother, there are milestones in your child's life that are celebrated.....their first word, learning to walk, learning (finally) to use the potty (many high fives!), first day of kindergarten, high school, getting their driver's license and...high school graduation.  My youngest daughter graduated from high school last night.  Wow.  Yes, of course, I am very proud of her.  She climbed over many obstacles to get to this point.  It wasn't easy for her or me and although, at times, there were doubts, she made it!!  She did it!!  My baby girl stumbled through mine fields, gasped for her very breath after bursting out of the ocean, drowning, then not,  tripped through fire and came out alive on the other side. She's stronger now and I'm thankful and blessed that she's still here.  It's been quite a ride from her first breath to her graduation from high school.  Congratulations, Bethany!!  You've made me one very proud mom!!  I am so very thankful that I was there through the times that took my breath away and those that ripped the very heart out of me.  I wouldn't trade one single second of our time together.  Those many seconds added up to create the lovely young lady you've become and maybe, just maybe contributed to the many grey hairs on my head!!  Your whole life is ahead of you now.  Enjoy it, love it, embrace it, live it to it's fullest, be grateful for the small things that make you smile, forget the small things that irk you and that just won't matter in 10 years, believe in yourself and your ability to do anything you set your mind to as I've seen you overcome terrible things and come through the other side intact and ever stronger.  Remember.....I will always be your greatest fan, will always be on the sidelines rooting you on,  loving you with my whole heart, forever and for always, believing, always and forever believing that you can do anything, anything you want to do.  I Love You, Bethany and I could not be any prouder of you!!! 

Have Hope...

I wrote the following a few years ago when I was in a dark place.  It was amazing to reread these pieces and realize that I no longer have the pain and angst within me that I had when these were written.  For those of you wandering through your own dark places, don't give up and remember.....it does get better.

 baring her soul, opening it to expose all her failings, all her fears, allowing him in, the first ever to enter the forest of her soul...the tangled vines, the twisted malformed trees, the perpetual darkness.  his light, shining in, exposing every crack and crevice, nothing hidden from his view...shrinking back in fear...the light is foreign to this place, too bright, too sudden...forcing him back, afraid for him to see who she truly is, afraid she won't be accepted, wanted...with her foibles, faults and failures.but still he waits....peering in from just outside..never forcing himself in, waiting for another invitation, for her to feel safe, to trust, to believe that he means no harm with his bright light.  he only wants to brighten the dark corners, to clear out the refuse built up over many, many years, to cleanse her, to help her be who she can be. 

but she....she also waits...she watches, she gauges, she studies and mulls it over.  can the light be trusted? it's so very bright.....but insistent, never relenting, never retracting.  she peeks out from her hiding place in the mess of her soul...she yearns for the brightness, she steps forward and then suddenly darts back....wanting, but tentative, still fearful, but.....the fear is subsiding as the light slowly moves back and forth, back and forth, bathing her in it's glow.  she waits in her darkness.....for what, she doesn't know....but she wonders and wants and wishes......does she dare take the hand that is offered?

***********************************************************************

she wanders alone in the desert landscape of her mind.....the winds ferocious, the sand whipping every direction, cutting into her, beating her down, head and body bowed down in an effort to protect herself,  wrapping her wounds, pain and past regrets tighter around her, but she finds no relief and the winds and sand persist in tormenting her.  she looks for direction, seeks out shelter, but none is to be found.  she swirls around and around mimicking the wind, fighting the sand, collapsing to the ground in exhaustion and defeat.  

*********************************************************************************

she wanders alone in a hostile, cold and dark landscape.  nothing but emptiness surrounds her, envelops her.  it embraces her as a lover would, but the embrace is devoid of warmth, love and tenderness.  instead, the passion felt is of her soul, heart and mind being sucked dry, stolen by the thief who ever lurks nearby.  in return, this thief, fills her with loneliness, pain, doubt and anger.  gone is the purity of her soul, gone is the love in her heart, gone is the goodness she once possessed in such abundance.  all gone. 

as what was once her, falls to the ground in defeat and unrelenting pain, unable to even move her eyes, a light shines upon her.  this warm glow bathes her in warmth and begins to ever so slowly thaw the frigid places within.  the thief, angered and frustrated by this light that is casting out his work. tries to fight it's glow and warmth, but is forced back and back some more until she is unreachable to him.


she feels small glimmers of hope, peace and love return to her as the light unceasingly caresses, soothes and wraps her more tightly within it's embrace.  the warmth and caring are restored to her heart, mind and soul.  she rises from the cold barren ground and.....smiles.

May We Come In?

Squirrels chattered, perched on the highest limbs, leaves drifted down slowly in the soft, warm breeze, sunlight danced in the small puddles left behind by the recent storm as others stood in the forest just off the path.  Within sight of the two, but standing outside the maelstrom that consumed them, their arms outstretched to enfold, their faces contorted with concern, love, sorrow, they waited, desperately wanting to soothe, but unseen, unheard, merely part of the background.  As crows roused from their boughs over head, they squawk and cry at each other as the mammoth wall built between them and the two is too high, too strong, too impenetrable, for even the loudest shouts to be heard, whispers floating away with the breeze.  They wait for even the tiniest crack in the armament, they search in vain for the long lost key to the padlock that will release the chains, they bloody their knuckles pounding against the tall black door.  The very essence of them demands to be heard, then begs (no pleads) to console, they cry, sobbing uncontrollably until there is no sound left in them, until they fall, exhausted, numbly to the ground.  The wall, as impenetrable as ever, the tall black door firmly locked with chains and a padlock, they must wait, hoping the two will open the door and ask them in. 

The Sun Is Waiting....

The two...battered and beaten, lie within the dark forest, overwhelmed with raging, swirling thoughts.  What might have been, what will be missed, each blaming the other, each belting the other with their rage, each blasting the other with their hatred of the other and of the situation they have blundered into, not blindly, but without forethought either.  They can't stay in this place, can't simply wish it away, can't, can't, can't, no amount of begging, pleading, wishing or praying will undo what the storm has wrought.  So very weak, the wind pushes and buffets them and they stumble slowly forward, crawling, neither able to gather the strength to rise up, neither able to raise their head to see the small glint of sunshine ahead of them, beckoning them, it's sunshiny smile waiting, still waiting, to embrace them in it's warmth and love.  But the glint is unseen by the two, darkness still owns them, is still deeply inside them, around them, in every pore, every breath.  The sun ever patient waits, knowing it and only it can battle back the darkness.