Was married in June of 1990, separated since February 14, 2008 and today....today May 10, 2013, I am an official bonafide divorcee. Yippeekiyyayaye!! It's definitely been a long time coming. While I have mixed emotions, even after all this time, I am relieved it's over, it's done and...I'm fine, I am better than fine, I made it through a terrible time and am better for it, stronger than I thought I could ever be. Only I walked in my particular shoes, yes, they are plum worn out, but not me...could of kept on going barefoot if I had to. My feet though rough and scaly, never faltered, never failed my children or myself.
Stiff and achy, I reach behind me and give myself a big ole pat on the back.
I did it. I made it. I'm better for it. With a giggle and a smile, I skip, leaving the past behind, eyes fully fixed on my future.
Seems like maybe it's time for that pedicure now. Whatcha think??
Friday, May 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Please Pull Me Out
These days, there seems to always be a tear just waiting to fall.
These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.
Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live. Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.
Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.
Today, I suffer from the lack of sleep.
Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses. Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.
Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....
These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.
Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live. Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.
Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.
Today, I suffer from the lack of sleep.
Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses. Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.
Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
You Sat
You sat.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back. Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.
As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls. Loved them forever and always. Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.
As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone. Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs. Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.
Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people. Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.
To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I did my best...
I have finally accepted the truth.....It was inevitable as I'm told in many ways each and everyday. It was only a matter of time before I stopped fighting this truth.....I have failed as a mother. I have raised a child who cannot, will not, won't, stomp your feet and scream NO to the heavens ever appreciate all I've done for her. Oh...maybe when she's calm, well rested and fed, I will get some small bone thrown my way telling me that my life was worthwhile. But when she's uptight, nervous and the heavens don't align themselves perfectly for her, heaven forbid, the daggers casually thrown in my direction seemingly without a thought or care of the devastation they will cause....collapsing in a puddle, flailing, drowning in buckets of tears, regret, sorrow, breathing but barely, nose clogged, throat aching, pain from the very top of my head down through my soul to the very tip of my pinkie toe.
As mothers everywhere have said....I did my best.
As mothers everywhere have said....I did my best.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I dig....
Imagine a long road.
Now imagine it is the darkest dark of any dark you've ever seen.
And imagine that you are alone and blind.
In front, you feel the road stretching onwards and onwards never to end.,
Behind is unimaginable beauty and love that stabs you over and over and over again.
Collapsing, alone and spent on the darkest of dark roads you see normal, everyday happenings occurring all around you.
Confused and angered, you rage at those around you...
Don't you know?
Can't you see?
How could you?
Why don't you understand? Why are you still moving forward?
Why am I alone in my pain.........my grief?
Grief, a deep well that requires each to dig alone, gradually unearthing and remembering the beauty that lies beneath the dark, oozing, sweltering ache of the most permanent of loss.
Rest in Peace, Missy Dog. You will be loved and remembered forever. I know that in time, I will be able to rejoice and smile at our shared memories, but for now.....I still dig....
Now imagine it is the darkest dark of any dark you've ever seen.
And imagine that you are alone and blind.
In front, you feel the road stretching onwards and onwards never to end.,
Behind is unimaginable beauty and love that stabs you over and over and over again.
Collapsing, alone and spent on the darkest of dark roads you see normal, everyday happenings occurring all around you.
Confused and angered, you rage at those around you...
Don't you know?
Can't you see?
How could you?
Why don't you understand? Why are you still moving forward?
Why am I alone in my pain.........my grief?
Grief, a deep well that requires each to dig alone, gradually unearthing and remembering the beauty that lies beneath the dark, oozing, sweltering ache of the most permanent of loss.
Rest in Peace, Missy Dog. You will be loved and remembered forever. I know that in time, I will be able to rejoice and smile at our shared memories, but for now.....I still dig....
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
A Beginning, But of What?
Pebbles, dirt, twigs and unknown things glint for a moment in the sun before drifting down, down, down into the darkness surrounding me. Weakened, I barely notice, can no longer move my head. A bit more debris goes unnoticed amongst the rest. Eyes dimming as pain hammers relentlessly. adamantly pounding, ferociously, frenziedly tearing into the remains of what once glittered, sparkling with radiance.
A fall day balloon floats through quickly, no strength, can't hold on, gone.
Darkness.
A fall day balloon floats through quickly, no strength, can't hold on, gone.
Darkness.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Is that you, Clarence?
Words shot, scalding hot
Wounds with no blood appear
I sometimes question my faith, wondering if God truly does exist or is just a lovely story passed down from our ancestors meant to soothe during thunderstorms, help during bad times, cry out to when we have no one else willing to listen. I wasn't thinking of God this morning when the darkness descended upon my home, I wasn't thinking of anything of importance, really. Waiting to hear from the transporter on whether my new mini mare would be delivered today or tomorrow, watching a little of Sunday Morning on TV, checking FaceBook to see if the world had survived another night and if my friends were ok. Nothing really, sipping my coffee, just enjoying my Sunday morning.
I often think of Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ when normal gets swept away by tornado force winds, when your hair begins to slap you in the face, when you wonder which is up, where is down. Unexpected, abrupt, nowhere in my cards scalding hot words stab, then pierce the soul of me. You've all heard the saying that once hurtful words are out there, there is no bringing them back, right? The other part, often left unsaid, is that the target often cannot forget those words. Yes, forgiveness will come, but forgetting, sorry, just won't happen!
Anyway, we were talking about God. Eager for a quick escape, I limped from the site of the battle, convinced that doing errands would be safer. We weren't quite ready for the full grocery run to Walmart, so went to the Dollar Store to pick up milk and cereal. An older gentleman was speaking to the cashier when I was ready to check out. The gentleman pulled his truck over as I was loading my car and asked if I wanted some corn on the cob. My first response was, no thanks, I have no cash. I normally use my card for purchases and rarely have cash in my wallet. The man shook his head and smiled at me, telling me there was no charge. He got out of his truck and started filling a grocery bag with corn and then asked if I wanted the tomatoes too. I'm guessing his name was Clarence, but will probably never know. I believe with all my heart and my pierced soul that he was an angel. His goodness, sharing and light while not wanting a thing at all from me, convinced me that God, seeing my pain, sent down one of his angels to comfort me. Now, you can believe what you want. Yep.....maybe he was just a good man who had a bountiful garden this year and just couldn't eat one more ear of corn, maybe God had nothing to do with it at all. I believe that at that time in that parking lot, God wrapped his goodness around me in the form of a man with too much corn on his hands.
My lunch today was two ears of that hot delicious corn dripping in butter.
Wounds with no blood appear
I sometimes question my faith, wondering if God truly does exist or is just a lovely story passed down from our ancestors meant to soothe during thunderstorms, help during bad times, cry out to when we have no one else willing to listen. I wasn't thinking of God this morning when the darkness descended upon my home, I wasn't thinking of anything of importance, really. Waiting to hear from the transporter on whether my new mini mare would be delivered today or tomorrow, watching a little of Sunday Morning on TV, checking FaceBook to see if the world had survived another night and if my friends were ok. Nothing really, sipping my coffee, just enjoying my Sunday morning.
I often think of Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ when normal gets swept away by tornado force winds, when your hair begins to slap you in the face, when you wonder which is up, where is down. Unexpected, abrupt, nowhere in my cards scalding hot words stab, then pierce the soul of me. You've all heard the saying that once hurtful words are out there, there is no bringing them back, right? The other part, often left unsaid, is that the target often cannot forget those words. Yes, forgiveness will come, but forgetting, sorry, just won't happen!
Anyway, we were talking about God. Eager for a quick escape, I limped from the site of the battle, convinced that doing errands would be safer. We weren't quite ready for the full grocery run to Walmart, so went to the Dollar Store to pick up milk and cereal. An older gentleman was speaking to the cashier when I was ready to check out. The gentleman pulled his truck over as I was loading my car and asked if I wanted some corn on the cob. My first response was, no thanks, I have no cash. I normally use my card for purchases and rarely have cash in my wallet. The man shook his head and smiled at me, telling me there was no charge. He got out of his truck and started filling a grocery bag with corn and then asked if I wanted the tomatoes too. I'm guessing his name was Clarence, but will probably never know. I believe with all my heart and my pierced soul that he was an angel. His goodness, sharing and light while not wanting a thing at all from me, convinced me that God, seeing my pain, sent down one of his angels to comfort me. Now, you can believe what you want. Yep.....maybe he was just a good man who had a bountiful garden this year and just couldn't eat one more ear of corn, maybe God had nothing to do with it at all. I believe that at that time in that parking lot, God wrapped his goodness around me in the form of a man with too much corn on his hands.
My lunch today was two ears of that hot delicious corn dripping in butter.
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