Tuesday, August 18, 2020

2011 Compilation

The following entries were originally posted individually in 2011.  I've combined them here so the story is in order.  
 
 
It's Getting Windy Out There....
 
I remember her at age 5....bubbly, blonde, always babbling.  She adored her mother and I treasured her.

I remember her in elementary school....bright, curious, always wanting to learn more.  She looked to me for answers and I tried to keep up with her ever expanding brain.


I remember her excitedly coming home from the first day of school and every day thereafter with stories to tell about her day.  From the very  minute she got there to the bus ride home she absorbed it all like the little sponge she was, always eager to share each of those moments with me.  She delighted me, enchanted me, filled me with joy that God had blessed me with her very existence. 

I remember her in my heart...the love, the bond we always shared to the exclusion of anyone else, my pride in her accomplishments, looking towards the future and knowing that it was wide open to anything she reached for, anything she desired, anything at all.  


Sometimes, while skipping down that yellow brick road, a choice must be made.   Whether it's a conscious decision or not, a choice is made to take the scenic route instead of the path that's been thought and dreamed about for years.  Sometimes.....that's just what happens in life.  The bubbly little girl takes a few wrong turns, maybe gets lost in the brambles, weeds and overgrown forest and eventually, thankfully, is found again.  As she once again purposefully marches down the chosen path towards her goals, dreams and her bright, bright future, out of the corner of her eye, she glimpses a flower filled meadow and decides to take just a minute, only the briefest of moments to lie down to rest amidst the blooms.  As the sun shines brightly. gentle breezes soothing her soul, the flowers' glorious scents intermingle bringing joy that begs to be shared with another.  As they romp and play within their private playground, they fail to see the first little black rain cloud heading their way, ignore the quickening of the wind, it's voice engulfing them, swirling amongst them....trying and ever trying to warn them of the coming storm.   

 

The Wind Is Silent Now...

Thunder crashed and lightening flashed.  The blooms tucked their delicate heads, leaving their tender necks exposed.  The wind, louder and louder, it's terrible power screeching out warnings, now adds leaves, twigs and dust to the cast, beating the two, demanding to be heard.  The wind begins to laugh, the clouds skitter and fly across the sky in their gaiety, the lightening and thunder boom out their mirth displaying their true nature.  The precious petals blacken, wither and fall.  The two, startled, awaken, are suddenly and without warning, shaken violently from their bliss.  The meadow, once so beautiful to the eye, so glorious to the heart, reverts to what it ever was.  Unseen, hidden beneath the beauty, it's true face is revealed to the two.  As before in time, as ever has been and ever will be, the exhilarating beauty is stripped away, once again only a facade, hiding the truth of this place.  The two, confused and conflicted, spin away from each other, grasping for understanding, gasping in shock, reeling with disbelief.  How can this be, they ask each other? Why us?  They demand an answer from the wind, but the wind, having tried so desperately to convey it's warnings, is silent now refusing to answer.  She screams to the sky.....But I was marching along my path, purposely and with conviction, (she adds), forgetting her decision to rest in the beautiful meadow for only the briefest of moments, forgetting that detour that lured her away from her march.  Forgetting.....the beauty they experienced, the joy they created, now focused solely on regret and shame.  Heads down, shoulders slumped, sniffling, they shuffle slowly down the new path before them.   

 Our Love...

 As the two take their first tentative steps down their new path, let's turn our attention momentarily to those who love them.  Those who have marvelled over their first words, cheered their first steps, wiped tears and bottoms, now find themselves floundering in the aftermath of the storm.  As the wind whipped the two, those who love them, entered the fray, using their weapons of warmth and love in an attempt to shelter them from the raging storm.  Their embrace, so successful in protecting them once, fails to conquer the wind.  Their kisses cannot heal these wounds.  The lion stumbles, then falls in defeat.  Her mighty heart, slashed into bits, lies upon the memory of what could of been.. 

Quit Looking At Me...

It starts with just the slightest glance out of the corner of an eye, first one, then the other, then just as quickly, their eyes dart away, looking at anything but each other.  They stumble along their new path, together, but not, very separate even though the path is narrow and their arms about touch. Trees along each side of the path crowd and push them together, but they aren't yet ready, the wall between them, unseen, is too thick.  The wind has nothing to say now and has gone off to play elsewhere.  The forest is too dense to glimpse any flowers, any beauty at all.  Infinite darkness surrounds them, they are blind, but must continue lurching forward, as going back to the beautiful meadow, is not an option.  One stumbles, the other, involuntarily, reaches out, but is burned and jumps back.  In the midst of the inky blackness, sparks fly as the two rage.  On and on they tear at each other, banging heads against trees, the ground, each other.  Exhausted, their mighty hearts, slashed into bits, lie upon the memory of what could of been..  Unable to come together to accept their new path and move forward, they turn their backs to each other and mourn alone.   

 The Sun Is Waiting...

The two...battered and beaten, lie within the dark forest, overwhelmed with raging, swirling thoughts.  What might have been, what will be missed, each blaming the other, each belting the other with their rage, each blasting the other with their hatred of the other and of the situation they have blundered into, not blindly, but without forethought either.  They can't stay in this place, can't simply wish it away, can't, can't, can't, no amount of begging, pleading, wishing or praying will undo what the storm has wrought.  So very weak, the wind pushes and buffets them and they stumble slowly forward, crawling, neither able to gather the strength to rise up, neither able to raise their head to see the small glint of sunshine ahead of them, beckoning them, it's sunshiny smile waiting, still waiting, to embrace them in it's warmth and love.  But the glint is unseen by the two, darkness still owns them, is still deeply inside them, around them, in every pore, every breath.  The sun ever patient waits, knowing it and only it can battle back the darkness.   

 May We Come In?

 Squirrels chattered, perched on the highest limbs, leaves drifted down slowly in the soft, warm breeze, sunlight danced in the small puddles left behind by the recent storm as others stood in the forest just off the path.  Within sight of the two, but standing outside the maelstrom that consumed them, their arms outstretched to enfold, their faces contorted with concern, love, sorrow, they waited, desperately wanting to soothe, but unseen, unheard, merely part of the background.  As crows roused from their boughs over head, they squawk and cry at each other as the mammoth wall built between them and the two is too high, too strong, too impenetrable, for even the loudest shouts to be heard, whispers floating away with the breeze.  They wait for even the tiniest crack in the armament, they search in vain for the long lost key to the padlock that will release the chains, they bloody their knuckles pounding against the tall black door.  The very essence of them demands to be heard, then begs (no pleads) to console, they cry, sobbing uncontrollably until there is no sound left in them, until they fall, exhausted, numbly to the ground.  The wall, as impenetrable as ever, the tall black door firmly locked with chains and a padlock, they must wait, hoping the two will open the door and ask them in. 


 

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Dry on the deck....joyful splashing from the pool has ceased
Where quiet was sometimes yearned for, the silence of laughing, giggling and even screaming is  deafening
What's for dinner asked for the last time, cooking for two holds no joy
Wally, Ninja Turtles, Mutt & Stuff and all our friends in the Paw Patrol have faded away

I am so proud, as I mourn your absence

Knowing it's right, done for all the right reasons, yet your adulting fills me with sorrow
Knowing you've got this when even you don't
Knowing you're strong when you feel weak
Knowing your future has been built on the foundation of your past
Knowing I am only your mother, believing in you even when you can't believe in yourself

Wishing you the very best as tears stream down my face





Monday, June 10, 2013

Drip, Drip, Drip

Ping, ding, thwatt, splatt, knock, smack, attacked, duck, run, find cover.  Found. Kick, pound, smack again and again, pull, scratch, thrown over there and there and there too.  Arrows zip here, out there.  Stung.

Drip, drip, drip, eyes leak.  warning, warning....A flood's a comin....

Pulled hither, pushed thither.  Demanding Energy.  Demanding Time.  Expecting Understanding.  Expecting Every Single Drop.  Expecting It All and Then Some More Too.  Give it, give it, give it....gimmeeeeeeee............

Dam bursts. Rushing, roaring, surging, coursing over banks, trees, branches, rocks deeply hidden from view all together now..........SHOT.

Silence.

Purged.

Regret.

Guilt stricken.

Pain.

Giving, giving, giving.  

Friday, May 10, 2013

Comments Always Welcome!

Anonymous posted a question recently asking if I minded comments on my posts.  I love comments, so please, please if anyone wishes to comment, do so to your heart's content.

 Be kind though, ok?  I can be fragile!!

I Am Woman!! Lol

Was married in June of 1990, separated since February 14, 2008 and today....today May 10, 2013, I am an official bonafide divorcee.  Yippeekiyyayaye!!  It's definitely been a long time coming.  While I have mixed emotions, even after all this time, I am relieved it's over, it's done and...I'm fine, I am better than fine, I made it through a terrible time and am better for it, stronger than I thought I could ever be.  Only I walked in my particular shoes, yes, they are plum worn out, but not me...could of kept on going barefoot if I had to. My feet though rough and scaly, never faltered, never failed my children or myself.

Stiff and achy, I reach behind me and give myself a big ole pat on the back.

I did it.  I made it.  I'm better for it.  With a giggle and a smile, I skip, leaving the past behind, eyes fully fixed on my future.

Seems like maybe it's time for that pedicure now.  Whatcha think??

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Please Pull Me Out

These days, there seems to always be a tear just waiting to fall.

These days, I feel alone even though I rarely am.

Each day, I recite the many blessings in my life and am thankful, but they are never enough to pull me out of the pit of despair where I now live.  Perhaps my pain is just too heavy.

Yesterday, I wasn't understood, felt unloved and alone.

Today,  I suffer from the lack of sleep.

Tomorrow, maybe the sun will shine upon the neon green grasses.  Perhaps the lilac will burst open releasing its lovely scent.

Tomorrow, I hope to once again find the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other....

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

You Sat

You sat.
Through first steps, first words, first dates and all the firsts, seconds, thirds in between and after, you sat.
Uninterested and apart, your daughters, flowers rising from the earth grew and grew, danced in the breezes, lifted their lovely heads to the sun while you sat.
When the dishes in the sink toppled to the floor, the laundry discussed running away, the weedy yard waited for attention, you sat.
The mountain of trash, growing daily, left for others to discard, because you were way too busy sitting to climb that particular hill.
Your daughters, in trouble, needing you, watched you rise up from that recliner in amazement and delight, dancing excitedly, only to see you walk away with another, never caring and never looking back.  Heads bowed, pretending not to care, pretending there is no more room for pain, hands slowly drop while their eyes, their bewildered eyes, watch you walk away, wondering, ever wondering, why.

As you sat and sat and sat, one rose up, became strong and dedicated to those two little girls.  Loved them forever and always.  Through utter, complete, mind numbing exhaustion, always and forever put them first.

As you sat and sat and sat, I did the best I could, all alone.  Sitting on merry-go-rounds, sitting on the ground examining those living under our feet, sitting in auditoriums to witness rites of passage, sitting on sidelines watching softball and cheer leading, sitting on the beach feeling the breeze, listening to the surf and the gulls, sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything and everything, sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of the night waiting on breathing treatments or IVs.  Yes, I sat and sat and sat.....loving each and every moment sitting with those I love.


Late at night in the dark shadows, in whispers, I've heard stories of those who change, those who learn from the past, evolve into better people.  Many have made such a claim, few have actually achieved a true makeover without globs on their faces, always leaving their souls untouched.

To the flowers who were left behind, any change has been unseen and worse yet, not ever felt, but yet, they bloom bigger, better, brighter leaving the one who sat.....far behind.